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Sattvic Jokes Ever mistake your dog for a towel??? Do not disregard this warning label: 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair other than while showering. Looks like shower is the option.) 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special) 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?) 4. On Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion) 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!) 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . .) 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?) 8. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope) 9. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) 10. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) 11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH!!!) 12. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.) 13. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey kids no more swimming in the washing machine.... Aww you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)
Does Your Dog Look Like You?
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers: AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER BE REWARD. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
Hearing Aid An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"Thanks Jim Gates of Arizona
Sign making from the English-language challenged At a Budapest Zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Hotel Acapulco: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. Supermarket, Hong Kong: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: Ladies have fits upstairs. Tailor shop, Rhodes: Order your summer suit because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
Bear Hunting Jack and Bob were in a log cabin in the woods when Jack says "I'm off to bag a bear, I'll be back before dinner". As he's wandering about, he sees a huge brown bear and takes a shot, but just grazes it. While he's trying to reload, the bear quite irritated by this unnecessary attack retaliates to protect itself and charges Jack. Jack drops his gun and bolts for the cabin. Just as he's getting there, he trips. The bear, not having time to stop, flies past him and through the open door. Jack quickly leaps up, and while he's slamming the door closed, he yells out to Bob: "Heres one for you to skin, I'm off to get another." That's Not My Job This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have. Actual Newspaper Headlines - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire - British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing - Air Head Fired - Man Steals Clock, Faces Time - Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Milk drinkers are turning to powder - Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted - Quarter of a million Chinese live on water - Miners refuse to work after death -Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter - Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious: * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while * War dims hope for peace * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Cold wave linked to temperatures * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say * Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
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